Somewhere, across the vast multiverse, exists a hospital that treats peculiar diseases. Dangerous, hideous diseases that could threaten the world as we know it. They sneak into our psyche and leech off creativity through compulsion and familiarity.
You may find this frightening, but you may even host one of these diseases right this very moment. BUT. Before you go sprinting to hospital in horror, please allow me to at least provide a few at-home remedies you may apply before despair takes over.
Marketitis Overloadus
When you wake up, do you immediately obsess over tactics to sell that eighth best feature of your company’s very special, unique product? Do you constantly worry about losing that single unicorn who loves reading disclosures? You might have Marketitus Overloadus.
Marketitis Overloadus is characterized by an insatiable desire to market everything to everyone all the time. Individuals with this condition are known to launch marketing campaigns for the most mundane of activities, like refilling the printer paper or successfully brewing coffee, yet act as if their offerings revolutionize the world.
Sufferers often experience delusions of grandeur, imagining their next email blast will break the internet. Symptoms include a hyperactive social media presence, an email newsletter for every thought, and the use of at least seven hashtags in casual conversation. #elon
The most severe cases involve guerrilla marketing tactics at family gatherings. Treatment typically involves a strict digital detox and a mandatory course in “Understanding Your Actual Target Audience” by Gary Busey. Forewarning: arrows may be used. At you.
Logomania Redundantia
Launching a new service, but realize it can’t possibly succeed without a well thought out design architecture and unique, clever logo. I mean, shouldn’t all things in life have their own logo? Car brands. Restaurants. Flavors of pistachios. Toilet paper.
Sufferers of Logomania Redundantia exhibit an uncontrollable urge to plaster logos on every available surface. Symptoms include a deep-seated belief that every item, from pens to the office cat, is a missed branding opportunity if left un-logo’d. How will customers know we exist if we don’t canvas the entire vacuum with a step-and-repeat pattern?
Patients report a compulsive need to redesign their logo bi-weekly, often resulting in a chaotic mix of styles and themes that leaves customers baffled. The most extreme cases have been known to include attempts to create a logo for the logo itself.
Treatment is challenging, as sufferers are often resistant, insisting that their next logo redesign will be “the one to rule them all.” Recommended therapy involves a strict ‘one logo per quarter’ regimen and regular exposure to minimalist design principles.
Trademark Obsessive Compulsion
You’ve successfully treated your two other serious marketing conditions, but still find yourself hanging out with your company’s lawyers making sure every logo, every phrase, every idea, is fully registered with the government so no competitors can steal your precious identity.
Trademark Obsessive Compulsion disorder manifests as a relentless need to trademark any and all phrases, designs, and ideas, no matter how trivial. Patients exhibit extreme paranoia about ‘idea theft,’ often leading to a labyrinth of trademark applications for such innovations as “Left-Handed Coffee Mug Design #37.”
Sufferers are known to spend hours poring over legal documents, convinced that their competitors are plotting to steal their groundbreaking concept of “Slightly Curved Paperclips.” The condition can lead to an office environment cluttered with cease-and-desist letters and a crippling fear of the word “generic.”
Treatment involves reality-based therapy, focusing on the acceptance that not every thought stands as a precious gem worthy of legal protection, and perhaps a gentle reminder that the trademark office has other things to do. Like file my trademark for Arkansas sake, Arkansaki. Patent pending.
Your Final Dose of Branding Wisdom
Marketers tend to have a compulsion, a desire to brand the hell out of everything. It’s in our nature. Missing one single thing feels like a lost opportunity.
But look from the outside facing in. Most of the products, features, footnotes, and phrases you care passionately about, your customer doesn’t care about at all. Restraint can often be the best solution for your company’s needs.
Next time you find yourself with a severe case of Sloganitis Repetitiva, Hashtag Hystaria, Infuencer Influenza, Viral Vertigo, or any other marketing illnesses, just know that somewhere out there, in our vast universe, a hospital in another dimension is waiting to fix you back up.
I’ll send you their branded product slicks later. #BrandAid
