Unboxing the Madness: Would You Spend $6K On Wish.com?

by | Feb 13, 2024 | shitposts | 0 comments

My office has transformed into a makeshift mausoleum to the art of online shopping, with cardboard pillars standing tall, each telling tales of impulse purchases through various online marketplaces. No, really, I have enough cardboard boxes stacking up that I could probably rebuild the pyramids.

But while my addiction is nuanced (strategic, even), ensuring I procure just the right gaming mouse, modern end table or ghost pepper hot sauce, YouTubers are putting me to shame with their own purchasing habits. I might be able to build a cardboard pyramid, but I’m pretty sure influencers could construct the rest of cardboard Egypt with their raids on Instagram, Wish, AliExpress, Touch of Modern, Temu, Tiktok…. Yes, I’m talking about unboxing videos, a YouTube phenomenon where influencers test the outer limits of impulsive e-commerce purchasing, one package at a time.

The journey often begins on the wild frontiers of platforms like Wish, where every click leads to a gamble, and every package holds potential for wonder or bewilderment. Most videos will lead with a sensational title, “I bought everything amazing on Alibaba for $7,500,” where the viewer is left to wonder, first, why would any sane human being waste that kind of cash and then, second, was anything not absolutely terrible?

Nice haircut, dude!
Lookin’ good, dude.

Spoiler alert: Wish, AliExpress and Temu will almost always include garbage. I’d give Instagram 50/50.

Who wouldn’t want to spend $1.46 on LED scrunchies from China? Or a fancy box of 14 Quartz “healing crystals.” Or, if you’re really daring, spend $10 to electric shock your abs into shape.

Something on wish.com for everyone....
Wish.com has something for every household….

Transitioning from Wish and Temu to the more polished advertisements on Instagram, unboxings take on a veneer of sophistication, with influencers carefully curating their reveals to maintain an aura of aspirational lifestyle, even when the contents occasionally miss the mark. If you just buy this one item, you will be the coolest person in your Nextdoor neighborhood. Or Facebook group. Or whatever, I don’t keep up with your trendy online hangouts anymore.

This is what Instagram thinks I need. Swag.

But the true connoisseurs of the unboxing world know where to find the real treasures. Platforms like Touch of Modern, Uncrate, and Bespoke Post claim to offer curated excellence, where each item promises not just utility, but a story, a piece of craftsmanship designed to resonate with the discerning tastes of the 25-40 male demographic. These aren’t just products; they’re badges of identity, handpicked for those who seek the extraordinary.

“Everything, including your set of hand-blown green glass dishes with the tiny bubbles and imperfections, little bits of sand, proof they were crafted by the honest, simple, hard-working indigenous aboriginal people of wherever.” ﹘The Narrator, Fight Club

I know my next paycheck is going toward this $850 chess set, featuring famous architectural icons from around the world.

Yet, it’s not all smooth sailing. The unboxing journey is fraught with highs and lows, from the adrenaline rush of uncovering a hidden gem to the comical disappointment of an ill-conceived purchase. It’s a rollercoaster ride through the digital marketplace, with each video serving as a testament to the unpredictable nature of online shopping. But once you see this “I bought a weird thing for a lot of money” format, you can’t unsee it. These videos are all over the place.

And this trend will only continue to grow, because you heathens keep clicking on these videos. Don’t worry, I do too. The growth reflects a broader narrative about our evolving relationship with consumerism. Unboxing videos are more than just entertainment; they speak to innate curiosity.

So, while I spend the next three hours breaking down my cardboard pyramid for recycling, go ahead and watch these influencers unveil their latest conquests, even if the experience ends up being 30 minutes of your life you’ll never get back. I don’t have any deep, thought-provoking takeaway from all this. Unboxing videos are, ultimately, a great big waste of time. But who am I to judge how you waste your time, whether it be YouTube or reading romance novels? Instead, I leave you with a few videos to drag you down the rabbit hole.

Is this a lazy ending? Maybe, but you’re interrupting my Temu time.

Other stuff worth looking at….